Thank goodness you’re here!
I’ve been waiting to talk to you for a whole week!
I hope Easter was full of listening to the Resurrection story while stuffing your face with Reese’s eggs and Peeps.
My Easter was so splendid.
Well, it was so splendid until I went to the second part of my day: hanging with the fam.
Now, do not get me wrong. I love my family and none of them did anything to make my day negative in the slightest.
It was all happening in my head and my heart the entire time without their help.
As I was leaving such a Spirit-led celebration at my church, I had a nice hour drive to my Grandmama’s lake house, so naturally, my head goes insanely chaotic even when I try to turn my music up as loud as possible.
I started thinking about intimacy.
One thing I truly struggle with is intimacy with others; typically, it’s with the opposite sex.
I don’t even acknowledge that I’m doing it but I immediately coward away from a moment of emotional intimacy and/or physical intimacy (that’s not just sex, folks) when I’m around a guy that I haven’t already known for years and years.
If I don’t know what the outcome of my intimacy is, then I don’t risk it and I leave that opportunity out in the rain, left to be ruined and never able to be used again.
Knowing this, I still don’t have the confidence to break down this barrier; however, I do know where my inner turmoil and anxiety around guys stem from, so that’s something.
So back to my drive.
As I was thinking about this, I felt God surfacing something else that in the midst of my chaotic thoughts, I never even noticed.
Not only am I not intimate to people, I am not allowing God to be intimate with me.
In Ephesians 4 in The Message, it says, “His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the MOST INTIMATE part of your life, making you fit for Himself.”
I took God in freely as my Father, my best friend, and even my mother at times. But I never even thought to take Him in as a sort of intimacy that trumps the means of anyone else ever.
As He was bringing this about in my Chrysler Sebring, I started crying, of course, but it was a mixture of being overwhelmed and just being sad.
Sad that I didn’t notice this in the first place.
Sad that as a human, I still crave someone by my side to fill that intimacy before God.
I always would say that I wanted someone that together, we would be glorifying God even more than ever, but how can I trust Him to give me someone like that when I don’t even go to Him for that intimacy I’ve craved and that intimacy only He can provide in a healthy way.
So as I arrived at the lake house, I was late, and certain people made a point to declare that in front of everyone.
Usually, that petty junk would not affect me in the slightest, but as I stood there facing everyone with their “teams” and I was standing at the opposite end with no one beside me, that image hit me harder than it should have.
No matter if their “teams” were unhappy or happy with the life they have, for the first time I craved in that moment for what they had instead of feeling the cold chills move past me due to no other body catching the winds next to me.
I felt alone.
And in the sensitivity that grew as I grabbed my paper plate to stack more potato salad than necessary, all I wanted was to leave and sulk in my loneliness instead of talk to anyone else.
Today, I know why God surfaced what He did in that car ride. He did it so I could see how life is when I don’t search for Him and instead crave a messed up human like me.
I stand in the midst of a loving family and feel alone and weak.
As I type this, of course I still want to be intimate with a guy in the future, but first, I need to take this time to seek and be open to God’s intimacy so that Mr. Right is not one who fills a void in my life. Instead, he will just add to my life.
If you feel alone today, me too.
If you feel weak today, me too.
If you feel unworthy today, me too.
So let’s feel this way together and get out of this mess.
Together, we can fight loneliness, and with God, we can crush it.
And just an FYI, we are never alone, even right now.
We just aren’t recognizing that yet.
Love you guys!
P.S. Remember that there is a contact tab if you have any questions or need for community. I’m here for you.